Poor decision making

Happened last night. I had just started talking to someone new on fet. I agreed to meet him at a local bar. We decided to move forward, and as we both live with a family member, we got a motel room.
While it was fun, my tits are covered in bruises, ones to far up to easily hide… plus at 31 I have a goddamn hickey.
Besides that, we checked out, had breakfast & it became clear I wasn’t making it home before work. So now I have to be nice to people with no shower & no clean panties. And I can’t put my hair down to hide my neck, its too oily.
So yeah, over all, better planning and decision making in the future… hopefully.

So, I still haven’t met the married guy I’ve been texting with. But now he’s getting more serious about the three of us meeting. I hope it’s soon. I’m pretty shy & I get crazy nervous with new people. The nervousness builds from the time I know we’ll be meeting. I would just like it over with.
He asked me something about a possible future. Something that is really fast to me & kinda freaked me out.
I let him know that I don’t think that far ahead. I’m also pretty sure I told him I wasn’t really looking for a relationship. I would consider one, but not till we’ve all met and played together & I felt comfortable.

castlebear asked:

I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I do know pain from being alone and missing friends. I know it can be rough, but hopefully it will get better soon. You are an awesome person and whether you know it or not, you are somebody's reason to smile.

I don’t get on my tumblr alot, and just now noticed this. Thank you. Its really brightened my day.

So, that guy still hasn’t messaged me. I wrote him a note telling him how he acted wasn’t right, but I haven’t sent it to him yet. I think, subconsciously, I’m still giving him a chance.
I wasn’t angry, emotional or resentful. Just disappointed.

There is a second guy I’m messaging with. Might play with him & his wife this weekend. We’ll see.

Guys can be a pain

A guy I was texting with for the past week or so from fet was basically begging for pictures. I sent a couple Wednesday. I haven’t heard from him since.
If you decided you didn’t like what you saw, you could say so. Especially since I texted you Saturday morning & asked what was up, even saying it was okay if you were no longer interested.
It’s incredibly frustrating.
Don’t just ignore me. I’m a person & even if I’m a sub, I deserve to be treated with some respect.

So, the guy I was playing with starting dating his crush, so I lost my play partner.
I met a second guy off fet. He was waiting on a dental surgery and in major pain, so we both went home. He told me he’d text me later that night. That was three weeks ago, still haven’t heard from.
Finally, a guy messaged me wed. We texted all night Thursday & made plans to play this (sunday) afternoon when I get off work. I haven’t got a message back from him since Friday & I get off in a couple hours.
This is why I’ve been alone & not even messed around in so long. I don’t like feeling this vulnerable & I don’t like feeling rejected by total strangers. Its easier to never deal with sex except with myself. That way I don’t feel like an idiot & wonder whats wrong with me that this keeps happening.

So, I’ve played with a guy a couple times.

He’s into random object insertion & fisting. Not actual sex, which I’m fine with.
We’ve attempted fisting twice and not been able to accomplish it yet. We did a coke bottle the second time as well.
I kinda only have two rules. No gags/choking & no anal. But those are both soft. I just need time to trust before I’m okay with that.
But this guy has asked me to consider letting him put something small in my ass. I just don’t know if I’m ready for that. It seems like its really soon for him to have asked. I told him I’d think about it.
The truth is, I do want to try something anally, but well, the only thing thats ever happened (years ago) there was a guy I was fucking decided he was gonna put his finger in my ass without asking or warning me. I was PISSED.
I’m just not sure. And I don’t have anyone but tumblr to ask advice from.

I wrote this about a fantasy I have

I’m kneeling, naked, waiting. My clothes in a pile on your floor. My hands behind my back, clasped at the wrist. My eyes look down.
You’ve been watching me. You watched me strip, making me feel vulnerable. You watched an I got on my knees. And you continued to just watch. I’m just waiting. The anticipation building. A knot forming in my stomach as I question things.
You move, finally. You step behind me & grab my hair firmly at the base of my head, pulling me up and you lead me forward. You stop me when my legs touch the bed. My arms are still behind me, so when you push me forward on the bed, I fall, unable to catch myself, on the the soft surface. My short frame and the height of your bed its perfect for me to be bend over. My feet don’t quite touch the floor.
You tell me to put my arms above my head, wrists together, and keep them there. “Yes Sir” I reply. You place your hand on my wrists, holding them in place a moment, then you fimgers down my arm, past my elbow all the way to the middle of my back. You continue till your reach the small of my back, your finger tips just barely touching me. The slight contact sending shivers through me.
Thrn you move your hand. You begin rubbing and caressing my ass, making the area sensitive to your every movement.
Your hand withdraws, and before I can even take a breath, it comes down hard on the left cheek. I gasp, but your hand has already moved on again, smacking the other side. You follow it with a quick volley of small, sharp slaps that make me whimper a little. Then your hand is rubbing my ass again, helping tge pain recede some, but I know its coming again & I’m ready for it.
I can feel my pussy already starting to get wet. I know I’ll be soaking by the time your done. You reach up and grab my hair in your hand, all of it, like its a ponytail & pull it, smacking my ass hard time and again. You continue while you tell me I’m a dirty whore. You tell me to spread my legs more, then you let go of my hair & smack my thighs and legs inside and out. You take two fingers and run them slowly, teasingly across my pussy lips. When your fingers come away wet you tell me I must be a filthy, horny little slut & smack my ass really hard. Unprepared I let out a small cry & I can feel the wetness on my ass cheek from where your fingers touched me.
You keep smacking me till I’m squirming beneath your hand. You tell me to stop and I’m panting both from my own need and the effort of trying to still myself. You tell me I’m a good girl for keeping my hands where you told me too & I answer, “Thank you, Sir”
You tell me that doesn’t keep me from being a needy little cunt though. You tell me to turn over & I see you’ve picked up a riding crop. You tell me to be a good girl & put my hands back over my head. After I comply with a yes sir, you tell me to spread my legs wide as well. Then you begin smacking my tits with the crop. , starting with my nipples. As you smack me, I feel my need grow & struggle not to flex my hips. Finally, my body gives in & you stop & tell me that if that part of my body wants your attention that badly, you’ll be glad to give it.
You smack my pussy with your hand a few times, calling me names throughout. Then you smack my thighs for awhile before coming back to my soaking wet pussy.
You spread my lips & give my clit a few smacks as well. I’m struggling to stay still again. I’m so worked up its difficult not to cum from the smacks. You hit my clit again, then reach down and shove three fingers in me. You tell me I have a needy cunt, but thats not a surprise considering what a dirty, slutty, little fucktoy I am. You reach up and pinch my nipples, hard. They are swollen & sore from the crop and I moan out loud and almost cum.
You tell me to turn back over, spread my legs more & hold still. I feel you smack my ass and thighs again. I whimper & you ask me why. I repeat your words back at you. “Because I’m a dirty, slutty little fucktoy” & I add “that needs to cum”
You chuckle and smack my thighs and ass more more before running your fingers over my pussy lips again. Your teasing me & I’m finding it impossible to stay still.
Finally you stop. You aren’t touching me at all & I’m waiting in anticipation for you to smack or tease me again. But you dont.
You grab my hair, pulling my head and body back & ram you rock hard cock into me. Once in me, you don’t slow, you just pound me has hard as you can. I came the moment yoy entered me & I’m ready to cum again but you know & tell me not to cum again just yet.
Instead you keep pounding me and tell me to bed you to cum. Words, probably half formed and insensable come from my mouth between moans and gasps, but you are willing to accept it & tell me I may cum. As I do, you do as well, pulling my hair harder and by extension my head and body back as far as I can go. Then you collapse on top of me, letting my hair go, both exhausted.